


Jack and Bucky go for therapy

by Drachenkinder



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, POV Jack, some cussing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 02:28:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18420942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drachenkinder/pseuds/Drachenkinder
Summary: Weird adventure in the deep south. Team building exercise. Wildlife!Written in Jack's voice.





	Jack and Bucky go for therapy

I'm in New Orleans for a portrait commission and I have a morning session with my therapist. (This is all your fault, Thor. You recommended her.) Because it was a morning session, not my usual evening one, I'm going to her private practice, instead of the hospital. I drive out to this little town I’ve never been to before, that has these ancient old south buildings jammed against each other and giant trees dripping with Spanish moss. I’m an hour early and I decide to wait out front, but after a few moments my therapist walks up to the door, unlocks it and beckons me inside. I turn off my phone and gather my stuff and get out of the truck. By the time I’m in the building she’s nowhere in sight. 

Now the inside of the place is this cluttered antique/ secondhand shop and also a home. A couple of teenagers are eating breakfast and a twenty something woman is cooking at an old iron stove. They direct me through the shop, saying their mom’s office is outside. I get outside without knocking anything off the shelves or disturbing the spider webs. Out back there is a big muddy river and on the other side is an old flat fronted two story building. I can see my therapist’s bright red hair through the dirty windows as she walks around. There is no way to the building except across the river and there is another guy standing on the bank. He turns to me and I realize it’s Bucky Barns. He’s in civilian clothes but the metal arm is in plain sight.

He nods and says, “I’m her nine o’clock. James.”

I answer “I’m the ten. Jack.”

I decide not to mention we met briefly at Stark's Tower in New York, as he was kinda out of it at the time.

We both look at the river. There’s a tiny rotting raft that looks only big enough for one person and no paddles. I’m thinking, I can just pull out my wings and tail and fly over but A. Nobody here knows I’m a demon and I’d like to keep that private and B. If Bucky freaks out because he doesn't remember, I really don’t want to be splattered all over the landscape.

“I think this is a test.” he says.

“Maybe we could swim?”

He holds up the metal arm and I realize just how much of a pain in the ass it would be to get silt out of all the sliding plates. So I say,

“You get on the raft and I’ll push you across.”

He gets on the raft and I strip off my clothes hand them to him, along with my pack, get in the mud and start pushing the raft. After a short while I’m swimming. The water is warm so it’s not a problem. We are almost across the river when Bucky says,

“There’s something in the water.”

I’m like “oh fuck” and instead of swimming the raft around to the porch I make for this little two foot wide strip of land beside the building, because it’s nearer.

“It’s getting closer and it’s big.” Bucky says.

Right then the raft grounds and I scramble on it, look over my shoulder and there is this goddamned 20+ foot crocodile coming at us like a tidal wave. Somehow, both of us leap off the raft onto the side of the building and climb up the crumpling fretwork as this monster slams into the wall right below our feet. It backs up into the water and tries again and the structure shakes from the impact and little bits of the woodwork crumble and fall.

I’m cussing up a blue streak because I’m naked, covered in mud and my clothes and backpack are now somewhere in the dirty monster filled water. Did I mention I almost pissed myself out of fear? Bucky keeps saying “What the hell!” “What the hell!” like its some kinda mantra. 

The door opens and our therapist leans out, smiles and says, “Come on down boys he’s not going to hurt you, he’s just an old softy.” 

She’s got a lit cigarette in one hand and a dead chicken in the other and she throws the chicken over the river. The croc swirls in the water, leaps up, catches the chicken in midair and then hits the river so hard water washes up almost to our feet. It returns to stare up at us. Neither of us has made any effort to climb down.

She shrugs and says, “Well, you’re both on the clock, I have another client at 11:00.” and returns back inside.

I turn to Bucky and say. “You’re a fucking superhero, go down and kill it so we can get out of crazy town.”

“I can’t." He says, "Alligators are protected by law.”

“That’s not an alligator, its fucking saltwater crocodile!”

We have this stupid argument about the species of Tick-Tock, who periodically tries to knock us off the building so it can eat us, and whether it’s legal to kill it or not.

Finally Bucky says, “I’ll call Steve, he’ll know what to do.”

So he pulls out his phone and makes the call. He gets Deadpool instead, who is in the process of making a pot roast for lunch. He refuses to hand the phone off to Captain America, and instead reads the recipe to us and sends pics of the meal in progress, despite Bucky’s frantic threats. The croc hits the building again and of course, Bucky drops the phone which falls into the water.

I’m like fine, I’m gonna die anyway so I tell Bucky,

“I can get us out of here, but don’t freak out and kill me, Okay?” 

I shift my form and my wings and tail come out and my claws give me a better grip on the building.

“Is that all?” He says, in this seen it all voice.

“Just climb on and I’ll fly us out of here.” I say.

“I’m too heavy, you can’t carry me.”

“Yes I can. Get on.”

“You’re naked.”

“Do you want to try to get my clothes back?”

We both look down at the water and the crocodile and then back at each other.

So he reluctantly climbs on my back and I claw my way a little higher, the wood keeps crumbling under my talons and the giant crocodile is now ramming the building over and over. I take flight before we are both knocked off and manage to evade the leaping croc, and not fall in the water, even though Bucky is half strangling me and screaming at the top of his lungs.

I swoop up over the building and land in the parking lot in front. I pull the wings and tail back into my body before anyone sees me. The street is deserted but I can see the teens, the young lady and the therapist, who is somehow back in the antique shop, looking out at us. I put my hands over my private parts and tell Bucky to get the goddamn truck open.

He has to break into my truck and hot wire it, because my keys are at the bottom of death river. I wipe off as much mud as I can with an old towel I keep under the seat. I climb into the passenger side, with the muddy towel around my waist. Bucky rode in on the bus, but I’m too tired to drive, so he drives us back into the city.

On the way into town we get into an argument about whether to go to a McDonalds or a Burger King for coffee. He wins because he's paying.

Thor can go to Hell. I don't need therapy.

**Author's Note:**

> I've a sneaking suspicion the 'Therapist' was actually a shape changed Loki in female form. If Jack didn't need therapy before he sure as hell needs it now.  
> Modified from a real dream I had last night.


End file.
